My ex and I have one child together. We found out during my pregnancy that our child would be deaf, and wouldn’t qualify for the surgery that some deaf people are able to get due to a combination of problems. While the external issue is a fluke, the internal issue is apparently something that I always had a 25% chance of passing down to a child. Not to toot my own horn, but once I learned this, I made an effort to start connecting with the Deaf community in my area and learn ASL. He did not, and while he stayed for the birth, he moved in with his brother right after dropping me off at my home. I own the house, and did before I met him, so it’s not part of the divorce. He was nice enough to give me 2 months worth of a cleaning service and a gift card to GrubHub. He ended up telling everyone that I am the reason he doesn’t see our child, and that I filed for divorce because I overreacted. The truth is that I have sole custody because he cried, in court, that he couldn’t “deal” with the baby and wanted to just pay support. While I did file, it was because he abandoned me and said so many horrible things that I couldn’t get over. I have text messages he sent me which say that he wouldn’t have even bothered proposing if he had known my “genetics were compromised.”
The messages didn’t stop at just blaming my DNA. He went on to describe our daughter as “broken software” and told me that he felt “tricked” into a life he never signed up for. He claimed that by learning ASL, I was “giving up” on our child being “normal” and that he couldn’t stand the thought of living in a house where people “flapped their hands” instead of speaking. It was gut-wrenching to read, especially while I was sitting in a quiet nursery, trying to master the signs for “milk” and “love” while recovering from a C-section. The gift card and the cleaning service weren’t acts of kindness; they were “guilt payments” intended to keep me quiet while he made his exit. He wanted the house clean so his conscience would be, too.
For the first six months, I stayed silent. I was too busy attending early intervention appointments, meeting with audiologists, and integrating myself into the local Deaf community. I found a wonderful group of mentors who taught me that my daughter wasn’t “broken”—she was just experiencing the world through a different, vibrant lens. However, while I was building a life for our daughter, my ex was busy destroying my reputation. He told our mutual friends that I had “postpartum-induced mania” and that I had barred him from the house because I wanted to “cult-ify” the baby into the Deaf world. He painted himself as a grieving father who was being pushed out by a radical, unstable wife.
The breaking point came at a mutual friend’s housewarming party, which I attended solo. I walked in to find a group of people looking at me with a mix of pity and judgment. One friend finally pulled me aside and said, “Look, we know you’re stressed, but don’t you think it’s cruel to keep him from his daughter just because he’s struggling with the diagnosis? He’s devastated.” I realized then that his lies had taken root. He wasn’t just avoiding his responsibilities; he was using my silence as a canvas to paint me as a villain. He was weaponizing the very community I was trying to join against me, making it seem like my advocacy for our daughter was a mental health crisis.
I didn’t make a scene at the party, but I did make a decision. That night, I created a shared digital folder. It contained the screenshots of his “compromised genetics” texts, his refusal to attend ASL classes, and the most damning piece of evidence: the official court transcript from our custody hearing. In that transcript, the judge asked him if he wanted 50/50 custody, and he responded, on the record, “No, I don’t have the patience for a kid who can’t hear me. I’d rather just pay the state to handle my end.” I sent the link to that folder to our entire inner circle and his family with a simple message: “I’m getting divorced because I refuse to raise my daughter around a man who views her existence as a defect. Here is the truth.”
The fallout was instantaneous and explosive. His mother, who had been calling me a “gatekeeper” for months, went silent after reading the transcript. My phone was flooded with apologies from friends who realized they had been played. But more importantly, the “pressure” to reconcile or “be fair” to him vanished. People finally saw that the “overreaction” he cited was actually a mother protecting her child from a man who had already abandoned her in his heart long before he moved out. He tried to claim I was “violating his privacy,” but I reminded him that you don’t get to demand privacy for the lies you tell about other people.
Comparison of Narratives
To keep things clear for those who were confused, I eventually put together a simple breakdown of what he claimed versus what actually happened. It helped me process the gaslighting I had endured for months.
| His Narrative | The Reality |
| I am “gatekeeping” the baby. | He requested 0% physical custody in court. |
| I “overreacted” to the diagnosis. | I spent 10+ hours a week in ASL and therapy. |
| He wants to be a father. | He hasn’t visited in 4 months despite having the address. |
| The divorce was a surprise. | He moved out 48 hours after the hospital discharge. |
Since the “truth bomb,” my life has actually become much more peaceful. The people who truly matter have stepped up to help me practice signing, and several of my close friends have even started taking ASL 101 with me so they can communicate with my daughter as she grows. We’ve turned my home into a “Deaf-friendly” space with visual doorbells and open floor plans, and the atmosphere is one of joy rather than the mourning my ex insisted upon. My daughter is thriving, hitting all her milestones, and her “babble” signs are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Looking back, the “25% chance” of passing down the gene isn’t a burden; it’s just a part of who we are. My ex saw a percentage and saw a failure; I see my daughter and see a whole person. Telling everyone the truth wasn’t about being “petty” or “vengeful.” It was about ensuring that my daughter grows up in a world where her mother doesn’t allow lies to be the foundation of her history. She deserves to know that her father didn’t leave because she was “difficult,” but because he was too small to grow alongside her.
Protecting the Future
Now that the truth is out, you might face some legal “noise” from him regarding the public disclosure, though truth is generally a defense against defamation. It’s important to keep focused on your daughter’s development and your own peace.