I, 27F, have been in a relationship with my 26M partner for over a year now. Recently I’ve had a nagging feeling that things will not ever get to the point where I will be emotionally satisfied in our relationship. He doesn’t cheat, lie, go out and flirt with other women, but it just feels like he’s putting in close to no effort. To make this more complicated, he also recently lost his mom about two months ago.
However, from where we were 6-8 months ago, there’s drastic improvement. He use to pout in the shops when I made him go grocery shopping with me, now it’s just the occasional, routine chore that I feel like we can enjoy together. He use to sit play on his phone while I cooked and cleaned but now he’s making a share of meals himself and always helps when it’s my meal to make. He went from leaving dishes everywhere to nearly every morning he is over, unloading the dishwasher and reloading it after we’ve had breakfast together. So yeah, I really cannot say he hasn’t improved or tried for me.
Now what’s concerning me. I often come home with gifts for him. Clothes, sometimes the random coffee, small things I know he’s interested in. I often stop for snacks or ice cream for us on the way to his house. This is never returned unless we’re on the rocks and it’s what feels like the 11th hour. I’ve brought this to his attention innumerable times, I’m starting to annoy myself even. He just….doesn’t care. I’ve explained over and over again in so many ways that I don’t feel loved when he puts in no effort and have told him the ways I do feel loved and cared for. I’ve recently told him that I want to be cared for like that and he told me that I was trying to take advantage of him. I grew up so poor – we played jump rope with the poverty line my entire childhood. I make about 1/3 of what he does. But that doesn’t matter to me? I provide for myself and my dog – a house, food, kibble, whatever the pup and I need/want I pay for. Last Christmas we set a $300 budget and I went over it by nearly $200. He hardly met the $300 mark. And I loved every minute of Christmas shopping for him. This isn’t about money I’m just trying to give context. I want to make something very clear – I’ve told him without a doubt I would want to do a prenup if we decided to get married and he could keep all of his inheritance in a separate account. It’s not mine, I don’t want any bit of it.
More consolation – things were getting somewhat better before his mom passed. Then it happened. I was in the room with him and his family when it happened. The grief brought us so much closer than I could have imagined. It seems like after he’s come out of the initial haze, he shoved me out emotionally as quickly as he could when he realized how much closer we were. It’s not been easy but I’ve tried my best to be there for him in the ways that count and the ways he’ll let me.
I try to have emotional conversations with him, and like many things, this has gotten ever so slightly better. I just feel like he wants to stay in the emotional shallow end and I am craving the deep end – it feels suffocating not be met where I am emotionally. Trying to help him thru his grieving, I just feel like I’m sitting slumped against this titanium door – knocking, waiting and hoping to be let in. When he does crack the door, basking in the small amount of emotional connection breathes a little more into our relationship. It just seems like he’s just not interested in letting it open more much than that. However – there are also times recently where I’m his emotional battering ram and I have had to lay down some strict boundaries. The boundaries have helped. They go like “if you want to act or do xyz, I will remove myself from the situation” usually in cases of belittling, anger, yelling etc.
I think his defensive behavior is what is killing us and what’s causing the emotional disconnect. I’ve been patient about so many things but the lack of emotional connection and romantic gestures that just make me feel like shit. Being locked out of his emotional world, as well. I think he’s likely locked out of it as well. It makes me think twice before doing kind things for him. Being locked out like this just makes me feel like I’m not cut out for this relationship.
Is this going to be like the grocery store where he eventually comes around? I want to help him and I want to stay, I just feel like it’s never going to get better. It feels so draining to pour and pour and never get poured back into.
I’m so sorry for any typos, grammatical errors, run-on sentences. I’d really appreciate any and all advice.