I (36F) have a twin sister, “Sarah.” Being a twin is something people usually think is a built-in best friendship, but for us, it has been a lifelong exercise in me being a supporting character in the “Sarah Show.”
For the last decade, I’ve noticed a draining pattern: Sarah only contacts me when she has something to brag about or when she needs a favor. If she lands a promotion, I get a call. If she buys a new car, I get a flurry of photos. But if I try to share something about my life, she’s “busy” or “distracted.” If she needs a babysitter or a quick loan, she’s my best friend. If I need a shoulder to cry on, she’s “not really in a headspace for drama.”
About a year ago, I decided to go “low-energy” with her. I didn’t block her, but I stopped reaching out. I stopped liking every single post she made. I stopped being the first to text. Unsurprisingly, we didn’t speak for months.
Then, back in August, I received a random text out of the blue. It was a photo of a massive diamond ring. The caption read: *”Finally! We’re getting married in a month! I’m so happy!”*
Sarah has been with her partner, “Mark,” for 14 years. They have two kids together. They’ve lived a married life in every sense except for the paperwork. I replied, wishing her well and saying I hoped they had a beautiful day. I asked if there was a ceremony or a party.
Sarah texted back: *”No, it’s just going to be me, Mark, and the kids at the courthouse. We’ve waited long enough and we don’t want the stress of a big wedding. It’s just easier this way. We’ll celebrate with everyone eventually!”*
I was a little hurt that my own twin wouldn’t want me at her courthouse wedding, but I respected her “low-stress” boundary. September came and went. I saw a few photos on her social media of the two of them in nice clothes, so I assumed the deed was done. I sent a “Congratulations” card and a gift card for a nice dinner. She never acknowledged the card, which was par for the course.
Fast forward to two days ago. At 6:00 PM, I received a text from Sarah.
*”Hey! The wedding is tomorrow at 4:00 PM. Here is the address of the venue. See you there! Please wear something neutral—no bright colors, it ruins the aesthetic for the photos.”*
I stared at my phone in disbelief. I replied: *”Tomorrow? I thought you got married in September? And why am I getting an invite with less than 24 hours’ notice? Did the people you actually wanted there bail on you?”*
My phone rang instantly. It was Sarah, and she was hysterical. She dropped the “low-stress courthouse” act immediately. It turns out, they hadn’t gotten married in September. They had planned a full, 100-guest wedding at a fancy botanical garden. She had sent out invitations months ago. Everyone in the family knew—except me. My parents knew. My brother, Dan (34M), knew.
“I just didn’t want you there making it about you!” she screamed over the phone. “You’ve been so cold and distant lately, I didn’t want your negative energy around me while I was planning. But Mark’s sister and her husband just got COVID and can’t make it. We’ve already paid for the plates! It’s $200 a head, Leo! It would be a waste for those seats to be empty, and Mom is nagging me that it looks bad if my twin isn’t there.”
The audacity was breathtaking. I was a “seat-filler.” I was the backup for a sister-in-law’s COVID diagnosis.
“Sarah,” I said, my voice ice-cold. “I am not a placeholder. You deliberately excluded me from your wedding and lied to my face about it being a ‘private courthouse event.’ The only reason I’m invited now is because you don’t want to lose money on a steak dinner. I’m not coming.”
“You have to!” she wailed. “If you don’t show up, everyone will ask questions. You’re going to ruin my day!”
“You ruined it yourself when you treated your twin like a stranger,” I told her, and I hung up.
A few minutes later, our brother Dan called me. Dan is usually the peacemaker, the “golden middle child” who tries to keep everyone happy.
“Look,” Dan said. “I know Sarah is being a total Bridezilla. I know it’s messed up that she didn’t invite you originally. But can’t you just swallow your pride for one afternoon? It’s her wedding. If you don’t go, the rift between you two will never heal. Do it for the family.”
“Did you know?” I asked him. “Did you know she was having a big wedding and didn’t invite me?”
Dan went quiet. “I… I knew there was a wedding. I thought you guys had a fight and you told her you didn’t want to go. Sarah told me you were ‘too busy with work’ to be part of the bridal party.”
“She lied to you, Dan. She told me it was a courthouse wedding with just the kids. She excluded me on purpose and only called me because she had empty chairs. Are you really okay with that?”
Dan sighed. “No, I’m not okay with it. It’s crappy. But I’m still going because she’s our sister. Please, just come. I’ll buy you drinks all night.”
I told Dan that I loved him, but that I wasn’t going to be someone’s second-choice guest. I told him that Sarah needed to learn that she can’t treat people like props in her life and expect them to perform on command.
Apparently, Dan took my words to heart. He called Sarah back and, instead of just telling her I wasn’t coming, he actually stood up for me. He told her that he was disappointed in her for lying to him and for treating me so poorly. He told her that her behavior was “narcissistic” and that he was starting to see why I had distanced myself.
Sarah did not take this well.
She went into a full nuclear meltdown. She accused Dan of “siding with the enemy” and trying to “poison her happiness” the night before her wedding. In a fit of rage, she told Dan: *”If you’re going to be on her side, then you aren’t welcome either! Don’t bother showing up tomorrow. I don’t want anyone there who doesn’t 100% support me!”*
She uninvited him. Our brother, who had his suit tailored and his gift bought, was banned from the wedding because he dared to agree with me.
Yesterday was the wedding. I spent it at home, reading a book and ignoring my phone. Dan came over to my place with a six-pack of beer, and we watched movies instead. He was hurt, but he said he felt a strange sense of relief not having to go and pretend everything was perfect.
Our parents, however, are in a state of mourning. My mother has sent me a dozen texts saying that I “manipulated” Dan and “stole” Sarah’s brother from her on her wedding day. My father called me “vindictive” and said that even if Sarah was wrong to wait until the last minute, my “snarky attitude” caused a chain reaction that ruined the family photos and left two empty seats at the head table.
They are blaming me for the fact that Sarah uninvited Dan. They say if I had just said “No, thank you” instead of “asking if people bailed,” Sarah wouldn’t have gotten defensive, Dan wouldn’t have gotten involved, and the day would have been fine.
Sarah posted the wedding photos today. In every shot where the siblings would usually be, it’s just her and her “aesthetically neutral” friends. She blocked both me and Dan on social media right after posting.
I feel bad for Dan. He’s the collateral damage in my war with Sarah. He lost out on a family event because he had my back. But at the same time, I feel like Sarah finally showed her true colors to everyone, not just me.
My parents are demanding I apologize to Sarah and pay her back for the two “wasted” plates ($400) since it’s “my fault” those seats were empty. I told them I’d sooner set $400 on fire.
Now the extended family is weighing in. My aunts are calling me “the selfish twin” and saying that a wedding is a time for forgiveness, not for “score-keeping.” They say that by pointing out I was a backup guest, I was “intentionally trying to hurt the bride.”
I don’t think I’m the asshole for refusing to be a seat-filler. I don’t think I’m the asshole for telling my brother the truth. But seeing the fallout—seeing Dan uninvited and my parents devastated—I’m starting to wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut, said I was sick, and let the day pass in peace.
Was I too blunt? Did I “manipulate” the situation, or did I just finally stop playing the role Sarah assigned to me?
AITA?