I (31F) have been with my husband (32M) since high school. He’s loving and funny most of the time, but lately his anger has been coming out more often and in really unsettling ways. There have been three major incidents in the last two months, and last night — on our wedding anniversary — something in me shifted.
I’d had an exhausting day at work and was excited to finally eat dinner together. He’d picked up food like we planned, but when he opened it and saw they forgot his sauce, his mood completely flipped. He got frustrated (understandably), then asked if I’d go back with him so they could fix it. I said sure, and suggested we take my car so our dog could come — I’d just gotten home and missed her. I thought it could be a fun little errand to decompress and talk to each other about our days.
He had gotten in his car, and I got our dog loaded up in mine. She was super excited to come and I was excited for a family drive. So I went up to his car and said let’s take my car, guessing he hadn’t heard me earlier. That small suggestion set him off. He said, “you want to take it by yourself then?” Confused, I told him no, I just thought the dog could come. He got mad and snapped, “then just get her out of your car, put her inside, and get in this car” and then handed me the food bag and said “fine, take it yourself,” I went to go put our dog inside and get in his car, but he was storming towards mine, got in the drivers side, then slammed his door so hard it made me jump. I should’ve gone inside, but I got in the passenger seat.
He muttered things like, “I’m trying really hard not to freak the fuck out right now” and “You just ruined my attempt to regulate.” Then he sped out of the garage and down the street to towards the gate fast enough that I was scrambling to get my seatbelt on. I panicked and said, “Stop! Slow down, you’re scaring me!” and he shot back, “I’m not even doing anything!” while still driving erratically and blaming me for “switching things up.” This pattern continued down the road, and I completely shut down. About half way there he turned around and drove home staring things like, “if you’re going to act like this I don’t even want to eat I’ll just go to bed hungry.”
He never yells — his voice stays low and tight — but it’s full of anger. He’ll say things like “you’re not validating my feelings” or “just let me feel my feelings,” but feeling his feelings ends up meaning slamming things, driving erratically, and turning everything back on me.
When he’s angry, I feel unsafe — not just physically, but emotionally. There’s nothing I can say that won’t make it worse. If I try to help him calm down, it’s “invalidating.” If I defend myself, I’m “making it about me.” If I go quiet, I’m “shutting down.” It’s like walking on eggshells, and I’ve realized I’m scared to even speak when he’s upset.
When we got home, after awhile he came and apologized several times — said he’d “ruined our anniversary” and “couldn’t control his emotions.” But every time I heard his footsteps coming toward me, my stomach dropped. I wasn’t angry; I just felt… small and shaken.
The two other recent incidents were similar — one where he was driving dangerously fast because he couldn’t find a bathroom, and another where he repeatedly punched a gas pump after our tire blew out. Both times he later said he was “trying to regulate,” but it didn’t look like regulation — it looked like rage that he wasn’t even trying to come out of.
He always apologizes afterward and seems genuinely remorseful, but I’m starting to feel unsafe in these moments. I love him, but I can’t keep being the one to “help him regulate” when I’m the one trembling in the passenger seat.
I need advice on: • Whether anger that looks like this can realistically improve if he’s willing to work on • How to protect myself emotionally (and physically) when he spirals like this
I just want to understand what healthy next steps could look like, because this pattern is starting to break me down.