For two weeks after my daughter died, our house sounded wrong.<\/p>\n
Nothing dramatic happened inside it. No doors slammed. Nobody screamed. The television barely came on. The phone rang sometimes, but Lucas usually silenced it before the second ring. Friends left casseroles on the porch. Flowers arrived faster than I could remember who had sent them. Cards covered the dining-room table until condolence messages began looking like wallpaper.<\/p>\n
The wrongness came from what was missing.<\/p>\n
There should have been a baby crying upstairs.<\/p>\n
There should have been a monitor humming beside our bed.<\/p>\n
There should have been tiny bottles drying near the kitchen sink and milk stains on the shoulders of my shirts.<\/p>\n
Instead, there was silence.<\/p>\n
My name is Brenda.<\/p>\n
I was thirty-six when I gave birth to Melanie.<\/p>\n
She was our second child.<\/p>\n
Our first, Toby, was eight years old and had spent almost my entire pregnancy preparing for the role of older brother with the seriousness of a military operation.<\/p>\n
He had made lists.<\/p>\n
Songs babies might like.<\/p>\n
Books he planned to read.<\/p>\n
Things he would teach her before kindergarten.<\/p>\n
How to whistle.<\/p>\n
How to make paper airplanes.<\/p>\n
Why dinosaurs were better than sharks.<\/p>\n
He picked out a blue stuffed puppy because, according to Toby, every baby needed \u201cone toy that knows everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
He put it on the shelf in Melanie\u2019s nursery beside the crib.<\/p>\n
During the last month of my pregnancy, he talked to my stomach every night.<\/p>\n
\u201cMelanie, this is Toby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m still your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMom says you can hear us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad says you kicked when I played music, so I think you like me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas and I used to stand in the hallway listening.<\/p>\n
I thought those would become family stories.<\/p>\n
Instead they became memories too painful to touch.<\/p>\n
The delivery changed in less than fifteen minutes.<\/p>\n
I went into labor earlier than expected.<\/p>\n
At first, the nurses at Saint Vincent Memorial seemed calm.<\/p>\n
Then alarms began sounding.<\/p>\n
People moved quickly.<\/p>\n
Lucas was beside me.<\/p>\n
Somebody adjusted my oxygen.<\/p>\n
A physician said something about fetal distress.<\/p>\n
Another person said they needed to operate immediately.<\/p>\n
The ceiling passed over me as they rushed the bed toward surgery.<\/p>\n
I remember Lucas squeezing my hand.<\/p>\n
I remember asking about Toby.<\/p>\n
Lucas said his mother had him.<\/p>\n
I remember saying:<\/p>\n
\u201cDon't let Melanie be scared.\u201d<\/p>\n
It made no medical sense.<\/p>\n
She was inside me.<\/p>\n
I was terrified.<\/p>\n
Then anesthesia erased everything.<\/p>\n
When I woke, the room was dim.<\/p>\n
My body felt like someone had opened it and sewn it back together with wire.<\/p>\n
Which, essentially, they had.<\/p>\n
Lucas sat beside me.<\/p>\n
His eyes were red.<\/p>\n
His face was gray.<\/p>\n
I knew before I asked.<\/p>\n
Still, I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere is Melanie?\u201d<\/p>\n
His mouth collapsed.<\/p>\n
He took my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He began crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everything after that became noise.<\/p>\n
My scream.<\/p>\n
A nurse entering.<\/p>\n
Pain tearing through my abdomen when I tried to sit up.<\/p>\n
Somebody telling me to breathe.<\/p>\n
Lucas repeating my name.<\/p>\n
I remember asking:<\/p>\n
\u201cDid she die before you saw her?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas nodded.<\/p>\n
That nod would become one of the most important lies of our marriage.<\/p>\n
I did not know that then.<\/p>\n
I believed him.<\/p>\n
Melanie was gone.<\/p>\n
I had survived.<\/p>\n
Those two facts became the entire shape of my world.<\/p>\n
The hospital discharged me several days later.<\/p>\n
Lucas brought me home.<\/p>\n
His mother stayed with us temporarily to help with Toby and meals.<\/p>\n
Nora, Lucas\u2019s younger sister, came by one afternoon.<\/p>\n
She had given birth to her own daughter, Clara, only weeks before Melanie was due.<\/p>\n
During our pregnancies, everyone joked about the girls growing up together.<\/p>\n
Cousins four weeks apart.<\/p>\n
Matching Christmas dresses.<\/p>\n
Joint birthday parties.<\/p>\n
Future sleepovers.<\/p>\n
Now Nora stood in my bedroom without Clara.<\/p>\n
She cried.<\/p>\n
She said:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
She barely looked at me.<\/p>\n
I assumed guilt.<\/p>\n
The guilt of having a healthy newborn while I had an empty nursery.<\/p>\n
I told her:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to hide Clara from me forever.\u201d<\/p>\n
She cried harder.<\/p>\n
I thought I understood.<\/p>\n
I understood nothing.<\/p>\n
The first week after coming home, I barely noticed Toby.<\/p>\n
That sentence still hurts to admit.<\/p>\n
I loved my son.<\/p>\n
Desperately.<\/p>\n
But grief narrowed my world until every movement required intention.<\/p>\n
Shower.<\/p>\n
Medication.<\/p>\n
Food.<\/p>\n
Walk to the bathroom.<\/p>\n
Sleep.<\/p>\n
Wake.<\/p>\n
Remember.<\/p>\n
Cry.<\/p>\n
Try again.<\/p>\n
Toby entered my bedroom sometimes.<\/p>\n
He sat on the rug.<\/p>\n
He drew pictures.<\/p>\n
I held his hand.<\/p>\n
But I did not really see him.<\/p>\n
Lucas was grieving too.<\/p>\n
He cleaned constantly.<\/p>\n
Countertops.<\/p>\n
Cabinets.<\/p>\n
The stove.<\/p>\n
The refrigerator handles.<\/p>\n
He vacuumed places that did not need vacuuming.<\/p>\n
At midnight, I sometimes heard him downstairs unloading and reloading the dishwasher.<\/p>\n
I interpreted it as coping.<\/p>\n
That part was true.<\/p>\n
What I failed to understand was how much else he was carrying alone.<\/p>\n
Then I noticed Toby\u2019s jar.<\/p>\n
It was an old glass container that had once held pickles.<\/p>\n
He had scrubbed the label off and cut a slot into the plastic lid.<\/p>\n
The first time I saw it, there were coins at the bottom.<\/p>\n
A few singles.<\/p>\n
I assumed he was saving for a toy.<\/p>\n
Then the amount grew.<\/p>\n
Allowance.<\/p>\n
Birthday money.<\/p>\n
Loose change.<\/p>\n
One morning, I saw the fifty-dollar bill his grandmother had given him folded against the glass.<\/p>\n
I asked:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you saving for?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething important.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was proud of him.<\/p>\n
Financial responsibility at eight.<\/p>\n
Wonderful.<\/p>\n
Then three days later, his teacher emailed.<\/p>\n
Toby had not been buying lunch.<\/p>\n
He told staff he wasn't hungry.<\/p>\n
I knew that was wrong.<\/p>\n
My son had never met a meal he did not consider an opportunity.<\/p>\n
I went upstairs.<\/p>\n
His bedroom door was partly open.<\/p>\n
He stood beside the desk with his school wallet.<\/p>\n
I watched him remove several dollars.<\/p>\n
Lunch money.<\/p>\n
He folded it carefully.<\/p>\n
Pushed it through the jar lid.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby.\u201d<\/p>\n
He jumped.<\/p>\n
Then turned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's lunch money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you putting it in there?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked frightened.<\/p>\n
That was when I really saw him for the first time since the hospital.<\/p>\n
Dark circles.<\/p>\n
Nervous eyes.<\/p>\n
Shoulders slightly hunched.<\/p>\n
My cheerful, argumentative son had become watchful.<\/p>\n
I walked inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
He backed toward the bed.<\/p>\n
I picked up the jar.<\/p>\n
It was heavier than expected.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you buying?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut it back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI will.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
His lower lip trembled.<\/p>\n
Then he whispered:<\/p>\n
\u201cShe's not gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
At first, I thought I misheard him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho isn't?\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
Like I was being deliberately stupid.<\/p>\n
\u201cMelanie.\u201d<\/p>\n
My body became cold.<\/p>\n
I set the jar down carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cHoney.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat she's not dead.\u201d<\/p>\n
My throat closed.<\/p>\n
This was grief.<\/p>\n
That was my first thought.<\/p>\n
A child bargaining.<\/p>\n
Denial.<\/p>\n
He had misunderstood death.<\/p>\n
I moved toward him.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I save enough, we can get her back.\u201d<\/p>\n
My heart cracked.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He became frantic.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
Those three words stopped me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you see?\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby glanced toward the open door.<\/p>\n
From downstairs came the metallic scrape of Lucas cleaning a pan.<\/p>\n
Again.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat on the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome here.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stayed standing.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me what you saw.\u201d<\/p>\n
He whispered:<\/p>\n
\u201cMoney.\u201d<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat money?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad gave it to the lady.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat lady?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNear the elevators.\u201d<\/p>\n
My pulse began racing.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
I forced my voice calm.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhich night?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Melanie came.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room tilted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat exactly happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby stared at his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandma went to get coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n
I remembered.<\/p>\n
Lucas's mother had stayed with Toby in the waiting area.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told me to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI tried.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I heard people.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI went looking for Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I thought you died too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I covered my mouth.<\/p>\n
He had been eight years old.<\/p>\n
Alone enough to believe both his mother and sister might be dead.<\/p>\n
I reached for him.<\/p>\n
This time he allowed me.<\/p>\n
I pulled him beside me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI found Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBy the back elevators.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith someone?\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lady.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you know her?\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me everything first.\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad had an envelope.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrown.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBig?\u201d<\/p>\n
He held his hands apart.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did he do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe gave it to her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know there was money?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe opened it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere were lots of hundreds.\u201d<\/p>\n
My stomach knotted.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know they were hundreds?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandpa gives me one sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Reasonable.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened next?\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby started crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe took the baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
I went still.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe crying one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere was a carrier.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA baby started crying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe lady picked her up.\u201d<\/p>\n
I gripped the bedspread.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you see the baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot her face.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did Dad do?\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe touched her head.\u201d<\/p>\n
My ears began ringing.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe held her.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could barely breathe.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor how long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen the lady took her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey walked away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad stayed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Toby whispered:<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought he sold Melanie.\u201d<\/p>\n
My entire body shook.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, Toby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI tried to follow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Grandma found me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was mad because I left.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't tell her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad said Melanie died.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at the jar.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I saw a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo I thought maybe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
He could not finish.<\/p>\n
I pulled him against me.<\/p>\n
He cried into my shoulder.<\/p>\n
I tried to comfort him while my own mind exploded.<\/p>\n
There were reasonable explanations.<\/p>\n
There had to be.<\/p>\n
Hospitals contained babies.<\/p>\n
Money could be anything.<\/p>\n
Lucas could have been helping someone.<\/p>\n
Toby could have misunderstood.<\/p>\n
But then I asked:<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you know the woman?\u201d<\/p>\n
He froze.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice became tiny.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked toward the hallway again.<\/p>\n
Then whispered:<\/p>\n
\u201cAunt Nora.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everything inside me stopped.<\/p>\n
Nora.<\/p>\n
Lucas\u2019s sister.<\/p>\n
Mother of newborn Clara.<\/p>\n
The woman who visited me the next afternoon and could barely look me in the eyes.<\/p>\n
I stood too quickly.<\/p>\n
Pain tore through my healing abdomen.<\/p>\n
I grabbed the desk.<\/p>\n
Toby jumped.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wasn't.<\/p>\n
\u201cStay here.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face panicked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you telling Dad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon't let him be mad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe won't be mad at you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at my son.<\/p>\n
I realized I did not know anything anymore.<\/p>\n
Still, I said:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did nothing wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then I went downstairs.<\/p>\n
Lucas stood at the sink.<\/p>\n
Sleeves rolled.<\/p>\n
Hands submerged in soapy water.<\/p>\n
He was scrubbing a baking sheet hard enough to remove metal.<\/p>\n
\u201cLucas.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not turn.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlmost done.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop cleaning.\u201d<\/p>\n
He froze slightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPut the sponge down.\u201d<\/p>\n
The kitchen became silent.<\/p>\n
Lucas slowly placed the sponge beside the sink.<\/p>\n
Then turned.<\/p>\n
His face looked exhausted.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
I studied him.<\/p>\n
The man I had been married to for eleven years.<\/p>\n
The man who had held my hand in surgery.<\/p>\n
The man who told me our daughter died before either of us could see her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy was Nora at Saint Vincent the night Melanie was born?\u201d<\/p>\n
For half a second, pure fear crossed his face.<\/p>\n
Then disappeared.<\/p>\n
That was enough.<\/p>\n
\u201cLucas.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe came to check on us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt two in the morning?\u201d<\/p>\n
His jaw tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat whole night is a blur.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot for Toby.\u201d<\/p>\n
He became completely still.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does Toby have to do with it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe saw you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas's face lost color.<\/p>\n
I continued:<\/p>\n
\u201cNear the elevators.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith Nora.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe saw an envelope.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe saw cash.\u201d<\/p>\n
No answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat was the money for?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas leaned against the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cRent.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNora was behind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHer divorce is worse than she told everybody.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe needed help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you gave her cash?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt two in the morning?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe called me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy was she at the hospital?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe came because she needed the money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt the exact hospital where your wife was in emergency surgery?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe knew I was there.\u201d<\/p>\n
My skin prickled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas Clara with her?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes closed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The baby.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby saw you holding her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas covered his mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
Raw grief filled his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes flooded.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I needed to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped back.<\/p>\n
\u201cOur daughter was dying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you were holding Nora\u2019s baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
My voice rose.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas started crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause Clara cried.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is your explanation?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gripped the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cI walked out of the surgical hallway and I couldn't breathe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey told me they didn't think Melanie was going to survive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were unconscious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cToby was with Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNora called.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't even remember exactly what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe showed up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI gave her the money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen Clara cried.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice broke.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I asked if I could hold her.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I needed to remember what a living baby felt like.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence struck me so hard I had no response.<\/p>\n
Lucas collapsed into a chair.<\/p>\n
He covered his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI held her and cried like an idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNora cried.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI kept saying Melanie\u2019s name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI couldn't stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a second, I saw him differently.<\/p>\n
Not as a liar.<\/p>\n
As a father whose daughter was dying while his wife lay under anesthesia.<\/p>\n
Then another thought returned.<\/p>\n
\u201cToby thinks you gave Nora money for Melanie.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas lowered his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks our daughter is alive.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face collapsed.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has been saving his lunch money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks he can buy her back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh God.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to talk to him.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped between him and the stairs.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause something still doesn't make sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes shifted.<\/p>\n
There.<\/p>\n
Again.<\/p>\n
I saw it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy couldn't Nora look at me the next day?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did nobody tell me she had been there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you were recovering.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe thought\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I raised my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor two weeks, everyone has been telling me what I can handle.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't get to do it again.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I grabbed my keys.<\/p>\n
Lucas looked up sharply.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo Nora.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn't drive yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI shouldn't have to interrogate my family two weeks after burying my daughter either.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrenda, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked toward the garage.<\/p>\n
He followed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is nothing else.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
Turned.<\/p>\n
Looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you terrified?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucas said nothing.<\/p>\n
And that silence told me I was driving to Nora\u2019s house for much more than an explanation about rent.<\/p>\n
END PART 1<\/p>\n